I never want to fall asleep tonight.
After the dream I had in the afternoon still lingers in my mind.
I’m feeling drowsy, but yet, I force myself to not close my eyes. I don’t want to see the horrendous side of things again. I may not experience it in reality… yet (I won’t be gambling with the word ‘fate’), but in my dreams, things seemed so real and if as if I’m physically being there. Transformation of place in an instance has been experienced, emotions well felt, and the object seems so real… the mansion, the bed, the room and even people walking and talking in my dreams.
What the heck, I am supposed to be done with the preparation for Dr. Jaga’s presentation tomorrow. I have a choice of deferring it to next Friday or present it tomorrow. Well, what I thought of is that I should finish my preparation today and not present it tomorrow but present it next Friday. Ah well, it’s just another lazy me speaking and is as if I have a choice of not being lazy. Well, I do, but not at this point of time when I’m still on ‘honeymoon’… a week without assignments. Not just yet, I have two assignments due on the 9th of May, but somehow, a part of me thinks that confidence speaks it all. However, what forms in my mind is that without knowing what a person is supposed to do, how can confidence come along?
I don’t want to sleep tonight… I’m just being paranoid of things… of things which are about to happen, which are already happening, and which already happened in life. I’m afraid of history reread… rewriting itself in my life… refocusing on what I least expected it to. We are expected to learn from our past history, but why am I being paranoid when I should face it with full optimism and confidence? Does the word ‘paranoia’ occurs for now and goes away when the tomorrow comes? How will it ever go away once the feeling of being paranoid has already blended into my everyday life? Not like I can stop myself from being paranoid. Maybe I can or maybe I should and that if I would, what makes me?
Again, illogical thoughts for the night… at the end of the day, I do hope I’m not suffering from schizophrenia… somebody shoot me!!
Thursday, April 28, 2005
To The One I Love Most Now...
In a quiet room one night,
I sat and just wonder,
Things had happened all so well,
But there are still thoughts left to ponder.
I know no sorrows for the weeks experienced,
I know no fear to what is to come the day after.
I come to see truth in the eyes of my beloved,
The surreptitious look from him has somehow evanesced.
Be gone were the days of loneliess,
Sitting up in the room dreaming endlessness,
Fell in with times of emptiness,
Known as unread history but blossomed into prettiness.
Shall i dance to the "cadence" of love?
Or stay in a corner with lingering darkness?
I may think of fulfilling my dersires...
Of longing to be in the arms of my beloved.
To sit and stare in the eyes of endless gorgeousness,
To touch his lips where a kiss can taste...
The sweetness of life and the joy that came within,
With a heart of pure authenticity,
That is what known to be deep down in him.
Through the hours of anger,
I saw a smile.
Through times of need of encouragement,
A hug came to existance.
And when times i need someone to speak to,
An ear listened,
And voices of advice heard in an instance.
How much i love him?
Never ask.
I know not,
As words can never describe the deepness.
Words can never describe my feelings,
And words can definately never describe a wholeness of love.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Goodbye...
I was just sitting infront of the computer screen, thinking of what am i to write... suddenly, i was just inspired to write a 'goodbye' poem. It does not mean any particular heart feelings for anyone, so once you read it, don't think that i'm in going through a time of depression, is just something that happened around me that inspires me to write this poem.
My past led me back to the cross-roads where we met,
Yesterday was another dream kept in my heart,
The truth hurts but too bad it stays that way,
When tomorrow comes,
Nothing could ever be the same again.
What's yours was once mine,
What made you happy just made me smile,
I wept for the days we stayed apart,
Not knowing how we felt for one another,
Until today.
Time passes fast without a single memory,
A chance together only last a moment,
As i fight through stormy weather just to be,
An independent person without you being here with me.
Hurtful words piercing through my heart,
Undying love that i've shown was never good enough,
Commitment seemed so far away,
Away from providing happiness to your everyday.
Do u remember the time i cried when you said goodbye?
The last time we held without saying a word.
Could you tell whether time was on our side?
As it faded through the night...
Goodbye is so difficult but it came once again in sight.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Clever Malaysians?
The objective of STPM is to pass people?
How do you explain the fact that 87% of the students passed the examinations of the Sijil Tinggi Persekolahan Malaysia (STPM) recently?
When during your grandfather's time only 10% would have passed?
Are students getting smarter? Or are STPM questions getting easier?
Let me put things in their proper perspective.
During your grandfather's time, they would ask exam questions like:
In what year did Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka?
The correct answer was "1402", and they found that only 10% of the students managed to answer the question correctly. This didn't go down too well with the authorities, because the objective of the exams was to pass people.
I mean, what's the point of having exams if people fail?
So later, they found another way to ask the same question:
Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year:
(a) 2001
(b) 2004
(c) 1986
(d) 1975
(e) 1402
Tick the correct answer.
The results were better in that 20% of the students passed. But it was still not good enough, so the authorities tried a different tact a few years later.
Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year1402. True or false?
Well, half of the students guessed "True" and the other half guessed "False". Fully 50% passed. The results were getting pretty acceptable by now.
Most other countries would be satisfied with a 50% passing rate, but not us. We are a better country, because we are a boleh country.The authorities then cracked their heads and then came out with this one:
Read the following sentence carefully.
"Parameswara, the cousin of Proton-Iswara, founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year 1402."
Underline the name of the person who founded Melaka.
60% underlined "Parameswara", 30% underlined "Proton-Iswara" and 10% underlined "1402". Hooiyoh......60% managed to pass! So krever!
But for some reason, the authorities were still not contented.
So last year, they came out with this gem:
One day in the year 1402, Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka. Then he went home to have dinner. What did he eat?
13% handed in blank answers, 57% wrote "Maggi Mee", and 10% wrote "Kentucky Fried Chicken", and 20% wrote "Tree bark".
The official answer was "Food" of course!
After the marking was over, it was found that 87% of the students had passed.
87%............now that's pretty impressive!
So it's true. The students are indeed getting smarter.
How do you explain the fact that 87% of the students passed the examinations of the Sijil Tinggi Persekolahan Malaysia (STPM) recently?
When during your grandfather's time only 10% would have passed?
Are students getting smarter? Or are STPM questions getting easier?
Let me put things in their proper perspective.
During your grandfather's time, they would ask exam questions like:
In what year did Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka?
The correct answer was "1402", and they found that only 10% of the students managed to answer the question correctly. This didn't go down too well with the authorities, because the objective of the exams was to pass people.
I mean, what's the point of having exams if people fail?
So later, they found another way to ask the same question:
Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year:
(a) 2001
(b) 2004
(c) 1986
(d) 1975
(e) 1402
Tick the correct answer.
The results were better in that 20% of the students passed. But it was still not good enough, so the authorities tried a different tact a few years later.
Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year1402. True or false?
Well, half of the students guessed "True" and the other half guessed "False". Fully 50% passed. The results were getting pretty acceptable by now.
Most other countries would be satisfied with a 50% passing rate, but not us. We are a better country, because we are a boleh country.The authorities then cracked their heads and then came out with this one:
Read the following sentence carefully.
"Parameswara, the cousin of Proton-Iswara, founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year 1402."
Underline the name of the person who founded Melaka.
60% underlined "Parameswara", 30% underlined "Proton-Iswara" and 10% underlined "1402". Hooiyoh......60% managed to pass! So krever!
But for some reason, the authorities were still not contented.
So last year, they came out with this gem:
One day in the year 1402, Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka. Then he went home to have dinner. What did he eat?
13% handed in blank answers, 57% wrote "Maggi Mee", and 10% wrote "Kentucky Fried Chicken", and 20% wrote "Tree bark".
The official answer was "Food" of course!
After the marking was over, it was found that 87% of the students had passed.
87%............now that's pretty impressive!
So it's true. The students are indeed getting smarter.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Focus on verse 26
This is the biblical parable of Lot's wife... The King James Bible, Chapter 19, versus 1 - 26
1 And there came two angels to Sodom at even; and Lot sat in the gate of Sodom: and Lot seeing them rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground.
2 And he said, Behold now, my lords, turn in, I pray you, into your servant's house, and tarry all night, and wash your feet, and ye shall rise up early, and go on your ways. And they said, Nay; but we will abide in the street all night.
3 And he pressed upon them greatly; and they turned in unto him, and entered into his house; and he made them a feast, and did bake unleavened bread, and they did eat.
4 But before they lay down, the men of the city, even the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, old and young, all the people from every quarter:
5 And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them.
6 And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him.
7 And said, i pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly.
8 Behold now, i have two daughters which have not known man; let me, i pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my rood.
9 And they said, Stand back. And they said again, This one fellow came in to sojourn, and he will needs be a judge: now will we deal worse with thee, than with them. And they pressed sore upon the man, even Lot, and came near to break the door.
10 But the men put forth their hand, and pulled Lot into the house to them, and shut to the door.
11 And they smote the men that were at the door of the house with blindness, both small and great: so they wearied themselves to find the door.
12 And the men said unto Lot, Hast thou here any besides? son in law, and thy sons, and thy daughthers, and whatsoever thou hast in the city, bring them out of this place:
13 For we will destroy this place, because the cry of them is waxen great before the face of the LORD; and the LORD hath sent us to destroy it.
14 And Lot went out, and spake unto his sons in law, which married his daughters, and said, Up, get you out of this place; for the LORD will destroy this city. But he seemed as one that mocked unto his sons in law.
15 And when the morning arose, then the angels hastened Lot, saying, Arise, take thy wife, and thy two daugthers, which are here; lest thou be consumed in the iniquity of the city.
16 And while he lingered, the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters; the LORD being merciful unto him: and they brought him forth, and set him without the city.
17 And it came to pass, when they had brough them forth abroad, that he said, Escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the plain; escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed.
18 And Lot said unto them, Oh, not so, my Lord:
19 Behold now, thy servant hath found grace in thy sight, and thou hast magnified thy mercy, which thou hast shewed unto me in saving my life; and i cannot escape to the mountain, lest some evil take me, and i die:
20 Behold now, this city is near to flee unto, and it is little one: Oh, let me escape thither, (is it not a little one?) and my soul shall live.
21 And he said unto them, See, I have accepted thee concerning this thing also, that I will not overthrow this city, for the which thou hast spoken.
22 Haste thee, escape thither; for I cannot do any thing till thou be come thither. Therefore the name of the city was called Zoar.
23 The sun was risen upon the earth when Lot entered into Zoar.
24 Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven;
25 And he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground.
26 But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.
1 And there came two angels to Sodom at even; and Lot sat in the gate of Sodom: and Lot seeing them rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground.
2 And he said, Behold now, my lords, turn in, I pray you, into your servant's house, and tarry all night, and wash your feet, and ye shall rise up early, and go on your ways. And they said, Nay; but we will abide in the street all night.
3 And he pressed upon them greatly; and they turned in unto him, and entered into his house; and he made them a feast, and did bake unleavened bread, and they did eat.
4 But before they lay down, the men of the city, even the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, old and young, all the people from every quarter:
5 And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them.
6 And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him.
7 And said, i pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly.
8 Behold now, i have two daughters which have not known man; let me, i pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my rood.
9 And they said, Stand back. And they said again, This one fellow came in to sojourn, and he will needs be a judge: now will we deal worse with thee, than with them. And they pressed sore upon the man, even Lot, and came near to break the door.
10 But the men put forth their hand, and pulled Lot into the house to them, and shut to the door.
11 And they smote the men that were at the door of the house with blindness, both small and great: so they wearied themselves to find the door.
12 And the men said unto Lot, Hast thou here any besides? son in law, and thy sons, and thy daughthers, and whatsoever thou hast in the city, bring them out of this place:
13 For we will destroy this place, because the cry of them is waxen great before the face of the LORD; and the LORD hath sent us to destroy it.
14 And Lot went out, and spake unto his sons in law, which married his daughters, and said, Up, get you out of this place; for the LORD will destroy this city. But he seemed as one that mocked unto his sons in law.
15 And when the morning arose, then the angels hastened Lot, saying, Arise, take thy wife, and thy two daugthers, which are here; lest thou be consumed in the iniquity of the city.
16 And while he lingered, the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters; the LORD being merciful unto him: and they brought him forth, and set him without the city.
17 And it came to pass, when they had brough them forth abroad, that he said, Escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the plain; escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed.
18 And Lot said unto them, Oh, not so, my Lord:
19 Behold now, thy servant hath found grace in thy sight, and thou hast magnified thy mercy, which thou hast shewed unto me in saving my life; and i cannot escape to the mountain, lest some evil take me, and i die:
20 Behold now, this city is near to flee unto, and it is little one: Oh, let me escape thither, (is it not a little one?) and my soul shall live.
21 And he said unto them, See, I have accepted thee concerning this thing also, that I will not overthrow this city, for the which thou hast spoken.
22 Haste thee, escape thither; for I cannot do any thing till thou be come thither. Therefore the name of the city was called Zoar.
23 The sun was risen upon the earth when Lot entered into Zoar.
24 Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven;
25 And he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground.
26 But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Life sucks when you are studying COM2407
Trying my best to complete COM2407 - how am i to reach a 2000 word essay when i'm not even close to a 1000 words? *boo hoo*
Friday, April 15, 2005
Perfect - a word of illusion?
There comes a time when all you think about is the perfectness of life that you are in now. Everything seems to be perfect: a perfect score, a perfect family, a perfect living, and even a perfect boyfriend. However, when you are emphasizing on the word 'pefect' many many times, it turns out that this word is just illusional.
I doubt that each moment of my life is what i see as perfect. I don't see life as being perfect, but i see it as a momentary perfection. For those who are reading this entry of mine, you might be thinking where i'm heading to... well, to keep you from questioning on further, i'm heading to one point - perfection is just an illusion. I enjoy every moment of my life now as i have a wonderful boyfriend by the name of Zeck. He is committed and loving and i just love him more and more each day by knowing the fact that he is who he is in my life.
Reality strikes when you never wanted it to. A friend of mine is going through a hard time as she, at once, had someone she could be committed to and to be loved. When she got into my car today, i was almost close to tears when she told me that it had all ended the night before. How can one so committed and so loving deserve a break up like this? Somehow i couldn't make sense out of it. It may be a nightmare for her, but in a way, it influence much on my thinking.
I sat there, in silence, just thinking... I can't help it but to think of me being in her position, which of course, i wouldn't want to. However, i could never help it. I tried to cry, but i know that i have no reason to do so.
~Life must go on even though things happened the way you don't want it to~
I doubt that each moment of my life is what i see as perfect. I don't see life as being perfect, but i see it as a momentary perfection. For those who are reading this entry of mine, you might be thinking where i'm heading to... well, to keep you from questioning on further, i'm heading to one point - perfection is just an illusion. I enjoy every moment of my life now as i have a wonderful boyfriend by the name of Zeck. He is committed and loving and i just love him more and more each day by knowing the fact that he is who he is in my life.
Reality strikes when you never wanted it to. A friend of mine is going through a hard time as she, at once, had someone she could be committed to and to be loved. When she got into my car today, i was almost close to tears when she told me that it had all ended the night before. How can one so committed and so loving deserve a break up like this? Somehow i couldn't make sense out of it. It may be a nightmare for her, but in a way, it influence much on my thinking.
I sat there, in silence, just thinking... I can't help it but to think of me being in her position, which of course, i wouldn't want to. However, i could never help it. I tried to cry, but i know that i have no reason to do so.
~Life must go on even though things happened the way you don't want it to~
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Scary Thoughts for the Night
I'm just thinking right now... what if i left the world without a single sweet memory to take away with me; will i ever find true happiness in the 'other' world that i'll be ending up in. Let's say heaven... if i'm about to go there, what will be the possibility that i'll meet people whom i've read in the Bible? What are the possibilities of me dinning with Christ and His 12 faithful followers?
What if i end up in a place where darkness is only what i'll see and i'm not able to feel a thing? I'm not being suicidal nor am i feeling depress at this moment... but what if... just what if, i'm about to leave tonight to a place where none of my friends can be able to search for me? I'm not thinking of whether i'll be missed but i'm thinking of more towards where i will end up.
*~Sometimes in life, whenever I am deep in thoughts, strange imagination starts to form in my mind that only God knows what i'm thinking of. This is the time in life where i'm concern of my entire self... the self that i'm living in right now... the self that gives me an identity of who i am and what i have become... the self that was formed through observation of how the world goes round and how people interact and communicate with one another; how the environment influenced me to be me; just to be who i am now... most important of all, i'm questioning how and why God gave me an identity and show me how i should live my life...~*
I hate what i'm thinking now... and i hate most of all the weird feelings that only forms during the night. I'll just go to bed... tomorrow is another brand new day for me to live to my fullest, for me to write unwritten history and began a new chapter of my daily life. Tomorrow is where change occurs to the very extant which i will never get to know and only one could tell.
What if i end up in a place where darkness is only what i'll see and i'm not able to feel a thing? I'm not being suicidal nor am i feeling depress at this moment... but what if... just what if, i'm about to leave tonight to a place where none of my friends can be able to search for me? I'm not thinking of whether i'll be missed but i'm thinking of more towards where i will end up.
*~Sometimes in life, whenever I am deep in thoughts, strange imagination starts to form in my mind that only God knows what i'm thinking of. This is the time in life where i'm concern of my entire self... the self that i'm living in right now... the self that gives me an identity of who i am and what i have become... the self that was formed through observation of how the world goes round and how people interact and communicate with one another; how the environment influenced me to be me; just to be who i am now... most important of all, i'm questioning how and why God gave me an identity and show me how i should live my life...~*
I hate what i'm thinking now... and i hate most of all the weird feelings that only forms during the night. I'll just go to bed... tomorrow is another brand new day for me to live to my fullest, for me to write unwritten history and began a new chapter of my daily life. Tomorrow is where change occurs to the very extant which i will never get to know and only one could tell.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
This is just not my day
I'm close to the point of giving everything up. Serious! I've been sitting down here in Computer Lab 2 and nothing is done. I'm suppose to research for an assignment which will be due next monday and i havent got a clue what am i suppose to do. Well, the question may sound simple, but why does it not make sense to me?!
I'm sick and tired of searching high and low for sources when all i get in return is 'not valid'. Argh, i'm seriously going nuts!! I guess i got to rely on my procrastination skills this time. I want a Distiction for Organizational Behavior. However, with this attitude i'm having, i think i'll just manage to strive for a Credit.
Argh!!!! This is just not my day!!!
I'm sick and tired of searching high and low for sources when all i get in return is 'not valid'. Argh, i'm seriously going nuts!! I guess i got to rely on my procrastination skills this time. I want a Distiction for Organizational Behavior. However, with this attitude i'm having, i think i'll just manage to strive for a Credit.
Argh!!!! This is just not my day!!!
Monday, April 04, 2005
Shut Up
Feelings of discomfort filled the air where I am,
I just wanted freedom to be within reach.
Telling my mind to stop playing these games with me,
I want to be calm, forget the anger within.
Stop the calls of miserable darkness,
When silence is all it needs to break loose.
I can’t stand another day listening to that voice,
The voice of displeasure that made me want to puke.
I want to go to a place far from here,
To a place where I can call home.
I want to leave this miserable earth,
Fly to a place where heaven occurred.
Try plunging into a pool of blood,
Cries are only the sound you heard.
Don’t blame me for what you see,
Sufferings come when you less expect it.
Less fighting may cause eternal peace,
Shut up and listen,
You might hear something from me.
Count the days before you end up in misery,
Don’t tell me I’ve never warn you,
As I’m doing here as I please.
I just wanted freedom to be within reach.
Telling my mind to stop playing these games with me,
I want to be calm, forget the anger within.
Stop the calls of miserable darkness,
When silence is all it needs to break loose.
I can’t stand another day listening to that voice,
The voice of displeasure that made me want to puke.
I want to go to a place far from here,
To a place where I can call home.
I want to leave this miserable earth,
Fly to a place where heaven occurred.
Try plunging into a pool of blood,
Cries are only the sound you heard.
Don’t blame me for what you see,
Sufferings come when you less expect it.
Less fighting may cause eternal peace,
Shut up and listen,
You might hear something from me.
Count the days before you end up in misery,
Don’t tell me I’ve never warn you,
As I’m doing here as I please.
Friday, April 01, 2005
What Is On My Mind
"Now that i have him, i'm very afraid to loose him!"
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I just feel this way right now. I hope things will turn out just fine!
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