Late Night, Part 1

Sometimes people could just be caught up in their own fantasies. They do not search for truth and live their life to the fullest in reality. Here I am again, listening to a song that once spiced up my life. But now, all I know is that I missed all my friends and there isn’t a song to end with it.

Farewell… may time bring us closer together. Now wait a minute, isn’t this fantasized thinking. How could your friends be near you when they are miles away from where you originally were? Time may bring us closer together when we do have a chance to keep in touch with each other. But, I mean, how many of us actually write decent mails to each other everyday of our lives and get on with work after a long email typed? Everyone now seems to be chasing time, running into career search, bumping into celebrities where they want to meet all their lives. I know that last statement of mine is a little sarcastic. Never live through it, never will know. Who knows, your closest friend may end up singing their hearts out in an open air concert for all you care and start giving the cold shoulder that says ‘I am popular and you aren’t’. That’s just life, we need to cope with it, or should I say, live with it.

Anyone who has ever been obsessed of becoming a super star? Well, I did when I was still a little kid. Singing karaoke in the middle of the night, in the toilet while having an afternoon bath, singing at each and every corner I turn when I am walking outside each and every corridor of the school. But where does it lead me to? Uncertainty. I love my voice. I had the tendency of enjoying the way I sing, the way I lift my voice to sing a note where Mariah Carey could. Trust me; I wasn’t at all depressed if I could not do so. I mean, practice makes perfect. But could this statement be true? Well, we practice our hearts out for something we thought we can excel in, but end up at the far end of the race. Now tell me, isn’t that reality? No matter how hard you try to strive to be someone you want to be, but indeed felt that you have fallen way deep into a deep pit. How hard you try crawling out of that little pit, you could not get far to breath the air ever again!

Some score aces in their lives; excellent in sports and one of a kind in debate clubs; plays for the local orchestra and went international later on in life; moving beyond famous in a crowd; going to the extent of thinking that everything is fine in their lives. This comes to a true acquirement from a person who thinks smart and act dump. True enough that somehow people do not expect their peers to see the ‘smartness’ in them. So that is why, they act as if the world is against them and try to be humble for all they can. I wish I could be the smart one, the successful one and the knowledgeable breed that came from centuries ago, say, the time when Caesar was looked up to by the Romans or maybe Cleopatra with her stunning beauty and captivating figure. Knowledge can always be a sin. You know too much; you have no limits to yourself. All you want to do is to know more about life, and chances are that you may end up at the wrong place at the wrong time. Now where is that place I am talking about? You will figure it out by yourself… I hope!

Sounds sadistic enough to be in the headlines of the newspaper the next day? “A girl about to commit suicide after her moment of utterances”, maybe it could have a summary lead of what my story is trying to say. Now, isn’t this just the model of communication where you learn firstly should be the sender, then the message and finally someone who receives the message. If you think I am sick and tired of my life, I am so sorry to say that you are wrong. I am never sick of life, how could I be? My life revolves around family members and my close relationship with my peers. Acquaintances could be out of mind, but who knows, your closest friends may be just another acquaintance of yours who you don’t know well and thought you know them for life. Forget about finding the one you love, you will likely return to round one after long hours of sufferings and pure agony. If not love, then crush maybe. It hurts, truly and deeply. Come to think of it, I have been hurt and truly still am hurt. Trying so hard to show your love for him but end up not wanting him to know. Why? Because, if he knows, you will never know what he thinks until he shows a reaction. What is the probability, or should I say, possibility of him liking you in return? What does the signs he shows means to you? A little tap on the shoulder; running his fingers through your hair, telling you that it is silky and soft; a sexy grin he tries to give you every moment of the day he sees you; a chance he wants to get to talk to you when he needs someone to share his problems with. However, at the end of the day, he is just trying to make you one of his acquaintance and not his closest friend. You may ask why… all I could say is that, he never likes you, just have been admiring your sensibility and your patience with him. How do you defer like and love when both has the same meaning but aren’t deeper than the other. If I say I like someone, what will it mean to you? And if I were to say I love someone, what will be on your mind the moment I confess? Either ways, you may think I am trying to hint you of someone I do really admire. But at the same time, I am just trying to see your reaction.

Have you admire anyone in your life? A pop-star maybe or your friends who have great knowledge on things you wish you had. That is just pure jealousy. Admire is not just a word; admire comes with an equal amount of jealousy at heart. You wouldn’t know because you never try searching your heart. A person score a distinction in their assignments, you admire them and wish you had done so too. Now, isn’t that jealousy you are showing when you really want something you could not have that your friends had it instead? Do not admire then, just look and smile at it and say, “I wouldn’t mind not having her qualities, because God is fair”.