What exactly is freedom? A friend of mine once told me that there is no such thing of freedom on earth. Well, what he said was pretty much sensible. Just think of being in a world with nothing to choose from; no decisions to make in the life you are living in; and no need for food and drink… now that’s what freedom is all about which is, do no choice at all. Think about it, one can never have freedom as they have no choice but to breath to live the next second of his/her life.
I feel like a fly trapped in an empty container, hoping to find a way out of this enclosed space. I don’t know when I could find an opening to fly away from this misery. All I know is that if I were to find an opening, the distance that I can fly to may not be far before I get locked up once again.
Ironic isn’t it when life knows no freedom. No freedom of choice and no freedom of speech. What you need to know is guarded, what you need to follow is always stated there in the book of rules and regulations. Whichever corner you turn to, a barrier will be there to prevent you from knowing what’s going to happen at the other side. All you know is that by the time you are granted freedom is on the day of your death itself. Well, not as certain yet of course as by then, you’ll be on your journey to either heaven or hell… *tee-hee* (of course, if these two places exist in your vocabulary, then you wouldn’t have the freedom to choose which place you will go to as God will be the judge).
I’ve been through times of perturb these days and I wouldn’t want to blame it on anybody. I wish that sometimes people could just keep a distance in the difficulties that I am facing. It is good to care, but it is entirely wrong to interfere when one does not need help in hoping to make their own decisions. Sometimes in life, even as a teenager, we need to have the given space and time to make our own decisions; mistakes and learn to mend it. I don’t see why, being a 20 year old, everything and every move made must be well thought and well taught by parents and others around me. Why can’t I be given the opportunity to learn from my own mistakes and hopefully to mature in the process? I don’t see how others’ supervision is going to take me to places but to only have me become cowardice to take my own risk in life. Advice may help once in a while, but again, the consequences that need to be encountered will be up to the person to live it through.
Think about it, a teenager afraid to drive on the road just because his or her parents think that their daughter or son will be next to contribute to the statistics of road accidents.
I wish I was given the chance to work wherever I want; travel around the globe alone on a plane; go backpacking across the country; prove to myself that I am capable of any risk and that I can learn from the mistakes I make. Am I still that young? Aren’t 20 the age of pure maturity? Isn’t it the age of risk taking and also the age of learning how to live independently on earth? It is true that a child should always be interdependent to parents, but, a child needs to grow out from his or her diapers and into the world of reality.
My mind is full of thoughts right now and I find it hard to put my troubles to rest. I guess I’ll just close my eyes and count to 10 till I doze off to sleep. All I know is that I would not want to be a fly which is caught in a container to await for my own death to make me part from the earth.
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Anxiety Hits the Boiling Point
Our love is like an unsteady boat on an ocean,
When it rocks one of us is bound to fall over.
Like the promises you made and broken them always,
I’m sick of you breaking the promises you made.
Buy me love and tell me it is not from you,
I don’t mind as I’ve falling out of love for what is true.
I see unhappiness in the relationship we are in,
You promise me forever, but it will never stay till the end.
I figured out a speech,
It’s directed to your heart.
Don’t ask me what it means,
You know it well enough.
Look into my eyes and say that you love me,
Never once it came true nor did authenticity show its meaning.
I’m fed up with the world I’m living in.
My love for you is now constantly declining.
Through times I need you, you went to another.
Like I wouldn’t mind, but I did, you’ll never know the other.
It’s not like my broken heart meant anything to you,
It’s that girl you always think that you will never be together.
Stop this junk and say that you love her.
It’s not like I never knew the truth for that moment.
I wouldn’t cry nor scream in anxiety,
Just wish I could go on without these sufferings.
The boat we are in will always be unstable,
Who will fall off? That we shall see in an instant.
I admit defeat; you can walk away from my life now.
I wouldn’t want to see myself in front of your eyes ever.
Our love is like an unsteady boat on an ocean,
When it rocks one of us is bound to fall over.
Like the promises you made and broken them always,
I’m sick of you breaking the promises you made.
Buy me love and tell me it is not from you,
I don’t mind as I’ve falling out of love for what is true.
I see unhappiness in the relationship we are in,
You promise me forever, but it will never stay till the end.
I figured out a speech,
It’s directed to your heart.
Don’t ask me what it means,
You know it well enough.
Look into my eyes and say that you love me,
Never once it came true nor did authenticity show its meaning.
I’m fed up with the world I’m living in.
My love for you is now constantly declining.
Through times I need you, you went to another.
Like I wouldn’t mind, but I did, you’ll never know the other.
It’s not like my broken heart meant anything to you,
It’s that girl you always think that you will never be together.
Stop this junk and say that you love her.
It’s not like I never knew the truth for that moment.
I wouldn’t cry nor scream in anxiety,
Just wish I could go on without these sufferings.
The boat we are in will always be unstable,
Who will fall off? That we shall see in an instant.
I admit defeat; you can walk away from my life now.
I wouldn’t want to see myself in front of your eyes ever.
Friday, July 15, 2005
Let's see... i'm sick and tired of editing my templates, so i came down to a decision of using a standard (so-called) template so that i don't have to go about editing HTML codes and make it difficult for my faithful readers.
I'm glad to be back in KL after a long, 3 weeks, boring holiday back in Ipoh where Aaron Kam and Jun Ling weren't there to serve my bordem, so i guess i just got to come back a week earlier so that i could spend time with Zeck and a couple of my friends. Yo, Alexandra, seriously sorry couldn't meet up with you gurl... well, you know right, when you are in a relationship, priorities, responsibilities and commitment will immdediately come first. I'm sure you'll understand as now you have Paul (*winkz*).
Freak.. i hated my results... the worst ever i've gotten since my days in Monash. Sharks... how can i just got a pass for Authorship and Writing when i really well know that i did pretty well for the finals... maybe it could be as what Debbie puts it 'What's good for you may not be good for the examiner'. So i guess i got to be a little thankful as to not failing the exam. Let what people always say, failing doesn't mean the end of the world yet. Guess what's most dissapointing in life is that when a person fails to achieve something, they just give up and never carry on. That's what 'Loser' on foreheads are for... for people who doesn't know how to appreciate their mistakes to correct them and move on with life. I just don't want to be that loser and i very well want to prove to myself that failing to get what i want will never diminish my confidence in reaching what i want in life itself... and that of course, will be 'success'.
This also goes out to the people who think they didn't do well in the exams. It's just life that nothing seems perfect and that also getting good grades does not even determine what will happen in life later on after graduation. Guess we do not need to always compare ourselves to what others get for their results, just have to be satisfied with what we achieved and to learn how to move on in life without crying over spilled milk. Thanks Zeck for being by my side when i was so upset the other day over my results.
The Harry Potter craze is back in town. Well, it is pretty predictable to say that at about 6 am sharp, there will be people lining outside Times, Borders, Popular and even MPH to get their hands on the new Harry Potter book - Harry Potter and the Half Blooded Prince. Oh well... i do love reading it but not that crazy as to crawl out of bed early in the morning to get my hands on the book. Besides, i still do not have the money yet. Oh well, anyone would like to loan me some cash without interest needed? I can do with RM50 *grinz*. Oh well, i guess i got to wait for a month before i can get the book as i am still reading Susan Elizabeth Phillip's 'Ain't She Sweet?'. However, my enthusiasm is still on Harry Potter.
Oh... sorry for taking away the tagboard. I'm still cracking my brains to remember some of your blog pages. So please do send me a comment with the URL of your blog again, thank you.
I'm glad to be back in KL after a long, 3 weeks, boring holiday back in Ipoh where Aaron Kam and Jun Ling weren't there to serve my bordem, so i guess i just got to come back a week earlier so that i could spend time with Zeck and a couple of my friends. Yo, Alexandra, seriously sorry couldn't meet up with you gurl... well, you know right, when you are in a relationship, priorities, responsibilities and commitment will immdediately come first. I'm sure you'll understand as now you have Paul (*winkz*).
Freak.. i hated my results... the worst ever i've gotten since my days in Monash. Sharks... how can i just got a pass for Authorship and Writing when i really well know that i did pretty well for the finals... maybe it could be as what Debbie puts it 'What's good for you may not be good for the examiner'. So i guess i got to be a little thankful as to not failing the exam. Let what people always say, failing doesn't mean the end of the world yet. Guess what's most dissapointing in life is that when a person fails to achieve something, they just give up and never carry on. That's what 'Loser' on foreheads are for... for people who doesn't know how to appreciate their mistakes to correct them and move on with life. I just don't want to be that loser and i very well want to prove to myself that failing to get what i want will never diminish my confidence in reaching what i want in life itself... and that of course, will be 'success'.
This also goes out to the people who think they didn't do well in the exams. It's just life that nothing seems perfect and that also getting good grades does not even determine what will happen in life later on after graduation. Guess we do not need to always compare ourselves to what others get for their results, just have to be satisfied with what we achieved and to learn how to move on in life without crying over spilled milk. Thanks Zeck for being by my side when i was so upset the other day over my results.
The Harry Potter craze is back in town. Well, it is pretty predictable to say that at about 6 am sharp, there will be people lining outside Times, Borders, Popular and even MPH to get their hands on the new Harry Potter book - Harry Potter and the Half Blooded Prince. Oh well... i do love reading it but not that crazy as to crawl out of bed early in the morning to get my hands on the book. Besides, i still do not have the money yet. Oh well, anyone would like to loan me some cash without interest needed? I can do with RM50 *grinz*. Oh well, i guess i got to wait for a month before i can get the book as i am still reading Susan Elizabeth Phillip's 'Ain't She Sweet?'. However, my enthusiasm is still on Harry Potter.
Oh... sorry for taking away the tagboard. I'm still cracking my brains to remember some of your blog pages. So please do send me a comment with the URL of your blog again, thank you.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
I’ve been having bad dreams once in a while during the holidays and couldn’t really find a person to talk to. I relied on my pet brother (Jun Ling), but he has to go back to Australia for his following semester. Didn’t really get a chance to go out with him as he is busy renewing his visa and all, as for me, I’m left fighting my boring weekdays and weekends and finding the best way to survive!
I’m currently reading a book by Pat Barker entitled ‘Another World’. Well, it is interesting and it is mostly about supernatural stuff that happens in the present and the past. I’m closing in the conclusion, but, whenever I wanted to go on reading till the very end, my eye lids get really heavy and I stop at each ending chapters. Honestly, I am not the bookworm I use to be. During the years of my primary and secondary days, I can read a book till late morning and takes a two hours nap before school. Guess I’m just being plain lazy and it all occurs from the boring days I’ve been living in and I am looking forward for uni to reopen so that it could put a temporary end to my loneliness and boredom.
Besides of rambling about my boredom back in Ipoh, Debbie has now flown to Australia and I am already missing her a lot. In Uni, I treat her like my very own sister, but just to know the fact that she won’t be around to discuss work with me seriously sucks! I’m feeling guilty as I have not been able to meet up with her during the holidays to have lunch with her or even go with her for a movie. I guess I had been selfish and that I’ve so wanted to be back in Ipoh as I have left Ipoh for a couple of 3 months without coming back for a visit. I miss home but it is not a home to be permanently engaged in. Don’t get me wrong, my family has been supportive for the past few years of my life, but sometimes, the just expect too much from me that I feel like my whole future is tumbling right in front of my very eyes. Especially my dad, he expects me to know every single details of affair happening all around the globe. The questions he asked could sometimes be intimidating. Why can’t he see the fact that non-geniuses are not always to be labeled as dumb? When he asks a question that needs much thought, all he does is just give me seconds to answer before he shouts ‘how can you not know the answer after so many years of education?’ I admit, I’m never good in math, so if he was to ask a question that needs much calculation done, I expect him to give me a minute or two for me to have it done on paper. So unfair!
Sometimes, I’m just ignorant to what the papers have to say because everything that I’ve read in papers is all just a bunch of bull-shits. Nonsense, scandalous affairs, and up-to-no-good wars; I’m fully aware that it is part of my daily life routine, and that is to read the news as I am studying mass communication. Well, the truth can be experienced and seen through with our own naked eyes and our instincts and intuition. I don’t have to read the newspaper tomorrow morning to know that there is another rape suspect on the loose. Don’t mind me saying, our papers had been a cliché in life.
I’m currently reading a book by Pat Barker entitled ‘Another World’. Well, it is interesting and it is mostly about supernatural stuff that happens in the present and the past. I’m closing in the conclusion, but, whenever I wanted to go on reading till the very end, my eye lids get really heavy and I stop at each ending chapters. Honestly, I am not the bookworm I use to be. During the years of my primary and secondary days, I can read a book till late morning and takes a two hours nap before school. Guess I’m just being plain lazy and it all occurs from the boring days I’ve been living in and I am looking forward for uni to reopen so that it could put a temporary end to my loneliness and boredom.
Besides of rambling about my boredom back in Ipoh, Debbie has now flown to Australia and I am already missing her a lot. In Uni, I treat her like my very own sister, but just to know the fact that she won’t be around to discuss work with me seriously sucks! I’m feeling guilty as I have not been able to meet up with her during the holidays to have lunch with her or even go with her for a movie. I guess I had been selfish and that I’ve so wanted to be back in Ipoh as I have left Ipoh for a couple of 3 months without coming back for a visit. I miss home but it is not a home to be permanently engaged in. Don’t get me wrong, my family has been supportive for the past few years of my life, but sometimes, the just expect too much from me that I feel like my whole future is tumbling right in front of my very eyes. Especially my dad, he expects me to know every single details of affair happening all around the globe. The questions he asked could sometimes be intimidating. Why can’t he see the fact that non-geniuses are not always to be labeled as dumb? When he asks a question that needs much thought, all he does is just give me seconds to answer before he shouts ‘how can you not know the answer after so many years of education?’ I admit, I’m never good in math, so if he was to ask a question that needs much calculation done, I expect him to give me a minute or two for me to have it done on paper. So unfair!
Sometimes, I’m just ignorant to what the papers have to say because everything that I’ve read in papers is all just a bunch of bull-shits. Nonsense, scandalous affairs, and up-to-no-good wars; I’m fully aware that it is part of my daily life routine, and that is to read the news as I am studying mass communication. Well, the truth can be experienced and seen through with our own naked eyes and our instincts and intuition. I don’t have to read the newspaper tomorrow morning to know that there is another rape suspect on the loose. Don’t mind me saying, our papers had been a cliché in life.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
No Room For Commenting
I guess this time there is no room for commenting. Well don't ask why... somehow, i just learn a new way to srew up the whole HTML codes and i guess i'll just try to figure out what's the next move to try inserting my 'commentary HTML codes'. Oh well, the tag board's still there for you to comment on my page... so feel free doing so. Again, so sorry for the tiny wording, as if i can help it, the font is actually constrain by the skin of the blog itself.
Monday, July 04, 2005
FedEx all the way
It's an uncanny feeling right on for Andy Roddick in yesterday's Wimbeldon match against Roger Federer. And yet again, deja vu has its way around and Federer beat Roddick 6-2, 7-6, 6-4. I stayed up the whole night just to watch 2 matches and told myself... 'guess i do not have to sit for the whole match to know who's going to win'. It is another cliche for the tennis world as Federer stays unbeaten for 3 consecutive time. Oh well, he wouldn't be known as FedEx for nothing right? Credit goes to him and my salutes!
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Lesson that i will bare in mind for life
I learnt a lesson today and that is, in a relationship, sometimes you can never have the things you hope to have but to only hope for the best. It is important to give and hope that whatever you gave are much cherishable by your partner.
Loving a person only means that you are learning to give unconditional love without hoping for anything in return. That is how you see things in a brighter manner and avoid getting hurt when disappointment comes your way.
Note: May be thinking of closing down this blog and put an end to my ramblings. I may start a new blog when i go over to Australia next year.
Loving a person only means that you are learning to give unconditional love without hoping for anything in return. That is how you see things in a brighter manner and avoid getting hurt when disappointment comes your way.
Note: May be thinking of closing down this blog and put an end to my ramblings. I may start a new blog when i go over to Australia next year.