A Parished Woman

The life of a woman has been vanquished,
No more does she know of grace and virtue,
No more does she know of gratitude and kindness,
No more does she know the meaning of true laughter.

Before days have passed she knew no trouble,
Forbidden to see the devilish of men,
Today, before her eyes, evil rest upon her.
Making the days hard to understand for her own purpose.

Touches are tame,
Touches knew no nonsense,
Grace within a woman,
Knew not a man of foolishness.

Raging words fired through her mouth,
Nonsense within conspicuous as it sounds,
Through it all she failed all she had,
Was eternal foolishness she now knows somehow.

Angel

Influenced to be written by a friend who is going through a time of sorrow.

Bring me an angel, who sings of mercy and kindness,
The angel who brought the hidden stars away from the universe,
The angel who converse of a speech of a romantic novel,
The angel who brought life to a table of speechlessness.

I want to stand on a cliff that looks to the ocean,
To dream of life of its bitterness and sweetness,
To taste freedom within a distance,
To seek freedom among the voices of the silent ocean.

An angel who speaks of forever,
Of endless cries of happiness,
Of endless calls for joyfulness,
A dream came through from the eyes of the angel.

Weakness falls upon the strength of togetherness,
Light the fire that pales the endless darkness,
Forever seemed far from a cry of sorrow,
Tomorrow’s voice will never be heard, ever.

Spread my wings I want to fly,
Up to the mountains where my name’s craved.
To the earth and back,
To the moon and around,
Sing my angel as it will never hurt till now.
Break your wings, stomp it hard,
I never want to see a single frown.
Break your voice, soar your throat,
Forever has now been an endless cry.

Drinking Soda Out of a Can?

I am not sure how far this is true but hope that you guys will be extra careful when drinking soda out of a can.

This incident happened recently in Delhi and we need to be even more careful everywhere. A woman went boating one Sunday, taking with her some cans of coke. On Monday she was taken into ICU and on Wednesday she died. The autopsy revealed a certain germ Leptospira caused by the can of coke from which she had drunk, not using a glass. A test showed that the can was infected by dried rat urine and hence the disease Leptospirosis. Rat urine contains toxic and deadly substances. It is recommended to clean the upper part of soda cans before drinking out of them as they have been stocked in warehouses and transported straight the shops without being cleaned. A study in Spain showed that the tops of soda cans are more contaminated than public toilets i.e. full of germs and bacteria. So! to wash them with water is advised before making any contact with mouth to avoid any kind of fatal accident. Remember to always use a glass or a straw and pass this on to everyone you care about.

I do not know what to feel at this very moment. I do not fill loved, trusted or furthermore, i do not even feel wanted. All i feel is that i need to break free from whatever feelings i'm having within me. Being loved is an illusion that will never turn into a reality. When someone say he or she loves you, it only means a matter of years and never eternal. It is almost like i have a pessimistic view on love and yes indeed, i do. I do not believe first love will last to be forever. I do not believe one could ever be satisfied with only one lover in their life. It's just us humans to be asking for more, and when we come to the part where we fear most, marriage, only then we'll start thinking on whether or not he or she is the one.

I just sit and think back of the days when i'm still single. The life that i've come to miss and wish that i could bring it with me further. When i fell inlove, i thought it would be a turning point for me. From lonliness to having a companion, from sadness to happiness. What i thought i could have turned out to be another story. It is not that i'm not happy with whoever i'm with now, it is more to me not being sure whether i am certain he is the one. Why do i still feel sadness when a companion promise you happiness? Why do i still feel loneliness when a companion is suppose to keep you company? Why do i feel unappreciated when my love has always been trying to commit? Love is never a one way communication. Love is never something tame, but hazardous when it comes to a certain stage.

I feel let down at times when things do not go my way. I wish things could be done much perfectly than what i have now. Exactly, we can never always get anything and everything we want. Dwelling on those possibilities are just mere dissappointments. I wonder what it could be like if there is no such thing as love. It may be chaos, but it would be much better to not have the feeling and feel let down after a heart is broken.

The most cruel feeling to have is to want your love to love you the way you wanted him/her to. It's a selfish thought but it is what everyone wants and needs. I want him to love me the way i want him to, but that would not be the case cause if it were to happen, then we would not be loving each other anymore but more towards competing to fulfill each others wants and needs. It is much better to sit back and observe how a person so dear to you can love you the way he thinks is best. And if he fail to fulfill whatever you wish he could, it is just life then as everyone is never perfect.

I have never fell in love so deeply with someone. And when i do, i know the taste of bitterness and sweetness while being in a relationship. It sucks but it is just the parcel of life that we need to go through. I'll learn how to love again if i need to. I'll learn how to survive without him being by my side as i have to. The most important thing, i'll learn the true meaning of love before i settle for eternity.

Will I Survive?

I woke up pretty early this morning to the sound of my alarm clock. As I sat up in bed, I do not know what I would expect today. Of course, it will be good to expect something coming from every corner of our life, but sometimes, things should be better stayed unexpected.

As I look at the time, I only realized it was 5 am in the morning. Checking what the fuss was all about, I read the note I made to myself on the electronic reminder in my hand phone. Ah, expected reminder. Beginning of the week, I’ve, thousand times, reminded myself of my departure date to Australia. I still do not know what I should expect in a new, foreign country. I’m as nervous as any others who will be joining me in Australia.

I don’t want another repetition of my entry titled ‘Reminiscence is bliss’, I just want to calm down and think positive of what I’ll be expecting in a foreign country. Of course, there are many things on my mind which I wish to do. First of all, I would really want to tackle my biggest fear in life – heights! Looking down from a 50 story building will not do, but I guess bunji jumping will help. I know it may sound a little frantic coming from someone who’s afraid of heights, but I do not know of other ways to tackle this fear.

I want to go to Adelaide… ALONE! I always want to try traveling long distance alone, without anyone by my side. It was hard to find a chance to travel around back here as parents and relatives are my restrictions. However, I would just keep my mouth shut and not tell anyone when I’m in Australia. I want to see the world alone, meet unexpected acquaintances, talk to people from different races, and taste special Australian cuisine which could be rarely tasted in Malaysia.

I’ve decided to work and study at the same time when I’m there in Australia. I thought of actually interning with Red Cross. After two months of interning with UNHCR, I finally found out that my interest was always on humanitarian issues. After observing my supervisor attending to her work as a PR person, I realized that I have so much to learn and experience. I just don’t want to give up my chances of working in Australia as well as my chances of traveling around alone.

I really hope and pray I can work through the year alone, without my closest friends to support me all the way; without my boyfriend to give me comfort; without my parents to provide me with daily necessities, and most of all, without restrictions on where to go and where not to. I’m on my own in a foreign land… could I survive, I shall see…

Affirmation

I truly think this is one of the best song that Savage Garden ever came up with. The lyric is truly remarkable. One of the best song i've ever heard as well and hopefully most of you agree with me.

Artist: Savage Garden
Song Titile: Affirmation

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe you’re most attractive features are your heart and soul.
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your own happiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

Checklist

Before i leave to Australia, there are things which i've thoroughly observed during my days, months and years in Malaysia. It's cool to know that Malaysian hold strongly to their 'truly Asia' motto and it's impossible to have Malaysian change their attitudes towards certain issues. Great! At least true Malaysian knows what it means to scream out 'Malaysia Boleh'. Well, on second thoughts, i was just wondering, should it be 'Malaysia Boleh' or 'Malaysia Mana Boleh'.

Here is a checklist on what does it takes to be a true Malaysian. This checklist is divided by a few different catagories.

1. You are a true Malaysian if....

(In the PUTRA LRT)

a) you pretend to que up. And when the train comes, you zoom pass everyone in line to get a sit on the nearest empty seats available. (2 points)

b) you do not care whether if there's someone behind you. You flip your hair as if you are starring in a shampoo commercial. Honestly, your hair stinks. (2 points + 2 points bonus)

c) you do not care if there's anyone standing behind you. You step on their feet and pretend nothing happened. (2 points + 2 points bonus)

d) you do not look around to see whether there are any disable or elderly people, nor do you care to aknowledge the woman standing in front of you is pregnant. As long as you are comfortable in your seat, nothing else matters. (2 points + 3 points bonus)

e) you speak as if there is no tomorrow. The Putra LRT is like your home and you talk in a voice as if everyone around you are family. (2 points + 2 points bonus)

f) you know the train is fool, but you still want to stuck your fat arse into it. (2 points + 4 points).

2. You are a true Malaysian when you...

(In shopping malls)

a) walk as if you are the queen of the shopping mall or supermarket. Translation: You walk slowly without knowing there are people behind you. (4 points)

b) you scream out loud so that everyone can hear ... 'wow, it's 70% off'!!' . The eyes can see, so there is no need for further information. (2 points + 2 points bonus)

c) dress up really nicely to impress everyone in the shopping mall. Translation: your spare tyres are conspicuous and you don't give a damn about those extra pounds you've put on. (2 points)

d) you think you own the walkway of the shopping mall. Translation: you bang into everyone that walks in your way without even having the courtesy of saying 'excuse me'. Is that so hard to do? (2 points + 4 points bonus)

3. You are a true Malaysian when you

(in the cinema)

a) bring in toddlers who have no seat-trainning or silence-when-you-are-in-the-movies tranning. They walk around, jump, scream, cry and whatever you can think of, but you don't give a damn cause you think they are so cute and just an infant. (2 points + 10 points bonus)

b) scream loudly when you see a ghost coming on screen... and .... swear at the top of your lungs! (2 points + 5 points bonus)

c) talk on the handphone, pretending noone's around you. (2 points + 3 points bonus)

d) munch on your popcorn, junk food, slurp on your drink and crunching your chocolate rappers without concern of the noise that you are contributing to the surroundings. (2 points + 3 points bonus)

e) shake your legs without knowing that you are disturbing the one in front of you, beside you and well, behind you (to a certain extent). (2 points)

f) come in fashionably late and stand in the middle of the path, checking out how far the movie went and how much you've missed before coming in an hour late. (2 points+4 points)

g) make out in the cinema like no body's business. (5 points)

4. You are a true Malaysian when you

(on the road)

a) don't even bother to put on your car signal to indicate which side you'll be turning into. (2 points)

b) pretend that your Proton Wira or Proton Satria is a racing car and drive at a speed of 120 - 160 kmh. (2 points)

c) drive really slowly (30-50kmh) on a freeway knowing that there are no cars infront of you. (2 points + 3 points for being inconsiderate)

d) flashes the car infront of you when you are a few feet away, not even close to banging. It's like a car can just slip in infront of you. (2 points + 3 points)

e) put on a signal without realising that you are misleading people into thinking you'll be zooming to the right or the left. And when you notice it, you left a million frustrated people who were considerate enough to drive slowly, thinking that you'll do a left or right turn any time soon. (2 points + 6 points)

f) zoom pass a right light or drives real slowly when you see the green light a head of you. (2 points + 10 points bonus)

g) occupy 2 lanes without knowing that you frustrate people behind you. (3 points)

5. You are a true Malaysian when you...

(in a parking lot)

a) park at the nearest illegal parking space so that you don't have to walk a distance. (Found mostly in shopping malls, LRT stations and on the roadside). (2 points + additional 5 points)

b) double park not even giving a damn whether the car next to you or infront of you will be getting out soon. (4 points)

c) snatch a parking space when it belongs to a patiently-waiting driver who comes in the right direction. Obviously, you were from the wrong direction and you do not even give a damn. (2 points + 4 points additional for being superb drivers)

d) do not even give a damn whose car you are blocking. You just park at your own risk and knowing that your car was brutally 'terrorized' after you come back from your shopping. Guess what, you have noone but yourself to blame. (5 points + 10 addtitional points)

See, being a true Malaysian just means that everything we do, we tend to ignore the consequences. We do not care the people we've irritated, annoyed or angered. We care for ourselves and that is what matters most in life. Hey, last but not least, it is a dog eat dog world and there is no such thing as caring and sharing in the Malaysian dictionary. As foreigners come into the country, we show peace and our smiles right up to our faces, that is all it matters. After they are gone, we just make sure they are fine with the hospitality, and know what, tomorrow, we'll be the true Malaysians again who are forever ignorant and least caring.

Keep up the good work Malaysians.

Town

Just as the town said goodbye,
I turned to the other side,
Saw your face just in time,
Not a sound you made,
But a lonely cry.

I walked my way back to the start,
No I can’t,
Impossible as now it sounds,
But true to heart,
Never once I left a single word before goodbye.

Nonsense,
The town I left behind.
Could it be no one’s alive by the time I got around?
Nonsense,
It’s quite now inside,
I failed to see the weakness in this town.

So much for the memories of this town,
It seems I lost my favorite spot,
No need to look back,
As now everything is lost.
I want back my town,
My love,
My forever…

My Laptop's Gone!

I would like to write another episode of dumb drivers on the road and i was just thinking to myself, "hey, if i do, most of us will get insulted as we are dumb drivers in one way or another". Well, but this does not stop me from saying that Malaysian drivers need to work on their driving habits and hopefully that they know the simple rules before driving on the road.

Robbery and theft are on the rise now. I guess it's because of the christmas season where most Malaysians are getting their handsome payments and are obvious targets to many of the robbers and theives out there. My uncle was a victim of theft the other day when he was in Taman Tun. Today, my aunt's house was broken into and my laptop has been stolen. It's pretty horrendous to know that robbery and thefts are part and parcel of the Malaysian culture. Scary as it seems but it's just life and it does go on whether or not it's an acceptable deed.

Reminiscence is bliss

There are many things holding me back. Nothing… no memories I wish to let go at the moment. Every experienced that I’ve lived through from the days of my college years till the time I work, nothing… absolutely nothing that I wish to forget. Maybe some burden memories or two, but the others, there are just too many, are just pure sweetness and enjoyment.

Note: I’ll be flying off to Australia soon.

It’s a little disturbing to know what I’ll miss when I’m gone.

Zeck: My most lovable, special one who has and will still be there for me even though the distance between us will be much more wider for the months or even years to come. However, assurance could be made that my love will never fade.

Eddie: I seriously miss you being in my car and also the times we spent talking to each other about you-know-what. However, we have not been doing that that often now. I was so glad you agreed to come watch Harry Potter with Zeck and I.

Fikri: The King of Lame has somehow never fail to brighten up my day every morning/afternoon/ even at night. Will miss all the lame jokes you’ve made, and keep most of them in heart and, hopefully, will never forget them.
(Just want to thank you for inviting me to your open house, and I’m really sorry, again, that I couldn’t make it. Guess what, among my Malay friends, you are the first who actually called to invite me to your open house. Thank you so much, I really do feel appreciated.)

Eva: My most in need friend, always on the demand. Happy to have gotten close to you after a semester of trying to get to know each other and 3 semester for being stuck in the same, stuffy lecture hall. It is great hanging out with you, especially when Zeck, Yasir and Ayushna are there to bitch endlessly (okay, it’s a bit too much to use that word, but what the hack… that’s what we do most of the time!).
(It’s the first time being invited to a birthday party… again, I feel very appreciated. However, sad to say that I won’t be there and hope that you’ll have a great birthday! But, I will make it up to you, don’t you fret!)

Kel Li: My sweetheart. It has been great getting to know you better after the Penang trip and YES! I still want to go on a vacation like the good old times. This time, hopefully we can stay a little longer (1 week). Hopefully you’ll be able to come to Aussie soon and there will be much bonding!

Simon: Thanks for being there whenever I want someone to talk to. However, it has been long since we last have a thorough conversation about God. Call me and fill me in about what you’ve find out further about the Bible. I would so love to listen!

Will I ever get to embrace life in Australia when life here is so fulfilling and that leaving it somehow seem so difficult all of a sudden. Firstly, I was so eager to take the next step into a life that I will soon embrace, and the past that I will soon try not to forget. However, memories just tails from behind, and now, it is side by side as I stand. I want to smile at those memories and put them in heart and mind, but besides of smiling, I ended up crying. I cried because I know, after another 2 months, I’ll have to say goodbye to what is now and look forward to what’s next. Some may think I’m being silly, but it’s hard to let go of something that was once yours and now, they are just memories for you to dwell on and hopefully that there will come a day, with God’s approval, that I can live through my memories once again.

Life in Monash wasn’t easy, nor was it tough. There were some stressful moments; happy moments; agonizing moments, and enjoyment. Whatever it is, it just kept me going and it mold me into a better person. From a person from a little town right to the North of KL, to a city girl who acknowledge the fact of being book-smart is never enough; from a person who does not have many friends, to someone who cherished every moment available to be together with a bunch of people who share common interests; from someone who thought that love was just an illusion that never existed in life, but ended up falling for someone lovable and passionate and lastly, from someone who thinks that life is all about looking at the four walls somehow just came out of that conservative space and into the world of busy streets, endless chatters and just have a leisurely walk in a park with a friend or enjoying lunch in a mall.

There are just so much I want to write down as I sat here, near the window that I truly love looking out towards an old tree where orangey-yellowish flower blossoms, I’m just reminiscing back when I first came into Monash. An amateur who doesn’t even know Chillies, T.G.I Fridays, or even Italianis existed till the day I step foot into Monash. It may seem humorous, but I’m serious. Wherever the wind may take me, all I know is, it will never blow my memories away!

EXP: Kampung Chang Lama

I wanted so much to write about my experience in Kampung Chang Lama (Orang Asli Village in Bidor), but, i couldn't find much time as i'm working in the morning and fast asleep during the evening. Well, since that my supervisor is not here to take a peak on what i'm doing, so i guess i'll just take this golden apportunity to write a thing or two.

Well, it has been a really great experience for me and i thank Sze Ning for going through all the trouble to get us there for a visit.

I guess every single detail has been jotted down by Aaron in his blog (www.xanga.com/cyclonewipeout). Well, as i've said earlier on, it has been a great experience and i guess words wouldn't express how much i feel for the village. Just imagine living in a place where cold water is all you get when you want a bath and the rumah adat will be your only choice of accomodation. I must say that i love it there... being someone who truly adores nature, i love the sounds of insects coming out to play at night, and on early mornings, you'll hear the chickens crow as a wake up call at around 5.30 in the morning, then at 6.30 again. You'll never have the chance to hear this in the city. Well, maybe when you are staying near to a kampung.

Something strange happened at night at around 2.30am. According to Rieta, a presence was around the area and she heard dogs howling. I guess many of us heard it. I was freezing and i couldn't sleep the whole night because of the lingery presence which i know of and also my nose was giving me problems. Well, i guess what led to the mysterious presence was when we were shooting a 'pontianak' film in the lavatory. Even though the film was pretty hilarious to most of us, but it is a serious problem for the villagers. Now, we are just thinking whether to proceed with the film or just leave it as it is without editing or making it into a film. In my opinion, i guess we must need the villagers consent in order to edit this as we wouldn't want to step in anyone's tail and having ourselves breathing in the air of hostilities when we were to return to the village.

Personally, i do not believe in such things as a lingery presence, but, after the experience i came across while sleeping in the rumah adat, somehow i believe that some beliefs must be respected even though you don't believe in it. Oh well, i guess this is pretty much what i've been through and seriously, it was an amazing trip and a trip to be remembered. When i depart to Australia next year, i would love to have the chance to visit the Aboriginals in Australia and again, get to experience the way of life of the Aborigines.

Bad Day

Basically, i was having a very bad day today and truely, i don't want to talk about it. But, most definately... i want a blue sky holiday!!

Title of song: Bad Day
Artist: Daniel Powter

Where is the moment we need at the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong
So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I

You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Life!

I was just wondering how many of you could just blog till the break of dawn. Wondering how you guys always get the inspiration to write and update your blog frequently with a blink of an eye. I am starting to question my own abilities on whether i'm able to blog much further as i've ran out of things to say.

I'm feeling a little piss off now as i just found out that my pc does not have 'I Tunes', well, this bascially means that i am screwed... i have not started typing out the assignment for Sheila and am not very sure whether the wave file that i've saved in my disc will be able to play on her PC. If it would not budge, i guess my whole group will be screwed.

Basically i have nothing much to say and that i still have two more papers to go before i step foot into the holidays... well yeah, at is as if... i need to work. Oh well, should i or should i not be complaining. Two extremely weird nature about humans is that they complain whenever there are things to be done, and whenever there is nothing to do, they complain of bordem. Ah well, this is basically life of being a human. I wonder if animals complain to other animals of them just lazing around and waiting for their master to provide them with shelther and food. Ah well, why am i starting to crap anyways. Sorry people, no further update on my boring, yet to be explored, ... life!

LDP - Speed Limit

I'm not sure how far this is true but please do take note, you wouldn't want to be caught just like that right?!

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Dear All,

SPEED LIMIT - LDP

Please note that effective today the LDP highway speed limit will be monitored by the CCTV. The speed limit is 90 kmh and if you go above that at 91 kmh, the camera will auto record and pass to police.

The few identified areas where the CCTV is monitoring are as follows:

1) on the overhead pedestrian bridge in front of Kelana Jaya LRT station, monitoring the straight stretch

2) Somewhere near Western Digital (CCTV might be on Western Digital), monitoring the straight stretch in front of the Kelana Jaya Seafood

3) On IKEA, Monitoring straight stretch in front of IKEA and 1 Utama

4) On the double overhead bridge, monitoring the stretch between the Puchong toll and the Federal Highway turnoff.

5) In the tunnel near SS2 (please note that the speed limit is 60 kmh, not 90 kmh) Please let your friends know.

Please note.

Forever (Poem)

Forever found a way to turn its back on me,
I cried knowing the fact this is all it seems,
No matter how hard I try to find a scene,
It never will fit both you and me.

It’s gruesome,
I know,
But I never stop to wonder.
My life was shattered almost in an instance.
Forever came and gone once again.
On September night,
Right after your smile fades away.

What I really meant to say,
Is that I’m sorry I ever said,
I am who I am in your eyes,
I am what I am in your sight.
What I wish I could say,
Is that I’m sorry that it comes a day,
Where forever tumble off its way,
Back in the month of May,
Where it all started in dismay.

Forever - never will happen

I sat on my bed and wondered; what life may be like when one speaks of “forever”. I have not known “forever” in context of being in a relationship, but after knowing him and having the chance of a life time, I finally saw “forever” in his eyes. However, what I wished I could have “forever” will never come true as religion is seen to be the biggest barrier for the relationship to go on.

In the book that I was reading, about the women of China, I came across a chapter where a woman was heart broken to know that after four years of infatuating her one true love and awaiting for his arrival after a long time of separation, just came to find out that he was engaged to another in a reunion party. I was just thinking to myself, if one sees “forever” and feels “forever”, one’s hopes and dreams can be shattered “forever” when things does not work out in the future.

I feel insecure all over again tonight, just to know the fact that “forever” could only be seen in his eyes but the love that needs nurturing will somehow stop in the matter of years to come. When you once thought you will be holding and cherishing a lover so dearly to you for life, but somehow, the fact of being together “forever” will only have a slight chance of being granted.

During lunch today, I found out that I was one of the happiest woman on earth sitting in front of my love while dinning Chinese cuisine with him. Just love the way he uses his chopsticks while trying his best to pick up the vegetables from the dishes. Can I have that view “forever”? I love it when he tries so hard to speak a word of Chinese and it never fails to make me laugh my senses off, but, could I have that “forever”? Sometimes in life, what’s before you can seem to be beautiful, but what stays ugly is that to know the fact that it’s just momentarily or temporary beauty before you to admire and cherish.

I don’t want to be a victim of a life-time heartache. I wouldn’t even want the clock to tick the very next moment to tell me that it is a minute to the next hour. I don’t want time to fly when I’m with him, or have his goodbyes said to me like it meant an end to an afternoon meeting. I just want time to freeze its ticking when we are alone; just want him all to myself in a room and most of all, I want to know that he can give me “forever”.

“Forever” can be seen as a word that does not holds faithful to its meaning. When one speaks of "forever", she/he means for all future time. However, when I speak of something to be “forever”, what I really meant it to be is that it only holds memories of what will be temporal in reality but will stay ever lasting in the corner of my mind.

I’ve been reading a book written by Xinran on the women of China and couldn’t stop thinking of how many other hidden voices are there in the world today. There are women being abused each and everyday without anyone noticing. Even though one may notice of the continuous abuse, but can one step up to report the incident? Rapes and abusive stories had been circulated through out the media everyday and nothing is done to prevent these from happening as, first of all, the government could not control the entire population in a country and secondly, no one actually dares, not even me, to step up and bravely report the incidences of abuse in the neighbourhood.

I was just flipping through the Time magazine one night and an article caught my attention all of a sudden. The article entitled ‘Fighting Feudalism’ caught my very attention. I read it through and a feeling of disgust just lingered in my heart. My heart cried out to the women in rural areas of Pakistan where, until today, believe in tribal punishment or tribal justice. I just couldn’t understand why, until today, men still uses their ‘reproductive system’ (scientifically speaking) on women in order to show their supremacy. In the days of war, rape was not seen as an activity to satisfy one’s sexual pleasures or lust, but it was a tool to show once victory over another’s land and even a way to strip off an honour of a women as well as declaring victory over the community’s enemy. Women were seen as a weak-link, as men were seen to be superior right up till today.

A little inside on how the tribal justice is done in the rural areas of Pakistan

One may say it’s disgusting or inhumane to one so fragile and vulnerable, but the fact is, these things are still going on around the world and again, they remained hidden. For instance, tragedy in a household where mother-in-laws burnt their daughter-in-laws to death because found looking or speaking to other men besides the husband in Bangladesh. Repetitive stories on rape in a household or by a close one are always circulated in newspapers. What is the world coming at today?

Back to my point, women were dehumanized in Pakistan just because an offensive act was done to another person of another household. Taking a narrative from the article, Mudassan and Mumtaz were raped because one of their family members “dishonoured” another villager. The penalty for the dishonoring caused to another villager will be that women of the offender’s family will be raped by the men of the household who were offended. I don’t see justice in this, rather, I see inhumane and uncivilized beast roaming central Pakistan. Only one woman, Mai, who was brave enough to step up to protest against the inhumane activity, others chose to remain quite because they do not want to offend the village council. Like men, women have pride and honour; and like men, women are supposed to be guarded in a country.

To faithful readers of mine,

Seriously sorry for not updating my blog cause i've been busy with assignments as well as presentations. Well even though i'm not busy with these things... i'm just being plain lazy and ran out of words to say on my blog. I wish all of you the best of health and hopefully i get to write more entries in time to come.

Civilization

From a thousand miles I heard a scream,
A scream that shaken the world from within.
The shadow rises, the sea roared with hunger,
What's happening now as life's distorted?

No one seem to be able to answer me,
Times I've spent analysing this basic theme,
Times I've spent focusing on what's worth,
Now ages seem so far away,
Civilization has its price to pay.

What's there more for us to know?
People are drowning as no one wants to float.
History has been repeating itself from the beginning,
Judgment day's here, where will they be hiding?

Pieces of wood feel into the depths of the ocean,
Sets the earth rumbling in a pathetic notion.
I saw civilization staring at non-existence,
History and civilization were just mere cousins.

Say goodbye to the day of untold tales,
Embrace the world of what seems to be real,
Live life to the fullest with no hesitation,
As you'll never know what's next that gets you going.

Freedom... the word of non-existance

What exactly is freedom? A friend of mine once told me that there is no such thing of freedom on earth. Well, what he said was pretty much sensible. Just think of being in a world with nothing to choose from; no decisions to make in the life you are living in; and no need for food and drink… now that’s what freedom is all about which is, do no choice at all. Think about it, one can never have freedom as they have no choice but to breath to live the next second of his/her life.

I feel like a fly trapped in an empty container, hoping to find a way out of this enclosed space. I don’t know when I could find an opening to fly away from this misery. All I know is that if I were to find an opening, the distance that I can fly to may not be far before I get locked up once again.

Ironic isn’t it when life knows no freedom. No freedom of choice and no freedom of speech. What you need to know is guarded, what you need to follow is always stated there in the book of rules and regulations. Whichever corner you turn to, a barrier will be there to prevent you from knowing what’s going to happen at the other side. All you know is that by the time you are granted freedom is on the day of your death itself. Well, not as certain yet of course as by then, you’ll be on your journey to either heaven or hell… *tee-hee* (of course, if these two places exist in your vocabulary, then you wouldn’t have the freedom to choose which place you will go to as God will be the judge).

I’ve been through times of perturb these days and I wouldn’t want to blame it on anybody. I wish that sometimes people could just keep a distance in the difficulties that I am facing. It is good to care, but it is entirely wrong to interfere when one does not need help in hoping to make their own decisions. Sometimes in life, even as a teenager, we need to have the given space and time to make our own decisions; mistakes and learn to mend it. I don’t see why, being a 20 year old, everything and every move made must be well thought and well taught by parents and others around me. Why can’t I be given the opportunity to learn from my own mistakes and hopefully to mature in the process? I don’t see how others’ supervision is going to take me to places but to only have me become cowardice to take my own risk in life. Advice may help once in a while, but again, the consequences that need to be encountered will be up to the person to live it through.

Think about it, a teenager afraid to drive on the road just because his or her parents think that their daughter or son will be next to contribute to the statistics of road accidents.

I wish I was given the chance to work wherever I want; travel around the globe alone on a plane; go backpacking across the country; prove to myself that I am capable of any risk and that I can learn from the mistakes I make. Am I still that young? Aren’t 20 the age of pure maturity? Isn’t it the age of risk taking and also the age of learning how to live independently on earth? It is true that a child should always be interdependent to parents, but, a child needs to grow out from his or her diapers and into the world of reality.

My mind is full of thoughts right now and I find it hard to put my troubles to rest. I guess I’ll just close my eyes and count to 10 till I doze off to sleep. All I know is that I would not want to be a fly which is caught in a container to await for my own death to make me part from the earth.